Constant Discomfort. Constant Growth.

I wondered for a while whether this was worth writing, because words will never do today justice.

A while ago, I blanketed my heart so it no longer hung on my sleeve. I made a conscious decision to leave the realm of dance studios that had become my home. I walked away knowing I'd be back someday.

I walked into a "dance lite" world. A world in which had to renegotiate my self-expression and learned to channel my energy elsewhere.

"Let this be a practice in self awareness and constant re-evaluation. Constant discomfort. Constant growth."

And it was. Is.

Today, my bare feet touched the dance floor again. I found a spot behind one of my closest friends and returned to my dance space- a place of love internal. Eternal.

I struggled at first to connect to that blank space of surrender, where I used to spew my soul effortlessly. After warm-up and a few floor runs,a familiar frustration overwhelmed me.

Why am I here?

Why was I there?

Because Kendra's father passed away years ago today and I wanted to be with her to show her I love her. Because I wanted to see the rust in my bones. Because I love this ritual of self sacrifice.

Then, somewhere in me, it clicked. The fog lifted. Frustration transcended.

Dance, for me, has always been about celebrating life. Today would be no different.

My vehicle may be flawed. Imperfect.
My mind may be constantly lost in cyclical thought. Processing.
My body may be aging. Like wine.
My soul will always have this dance space. Salvation.

Kendra, why do we dance in the manner that we do? It is the only place where everything makes sense. It is where we expose the marks that people leave on us and say "Thank You" for life's inherent art. Beauty. Therapy.

Thank you, darling.

Let this be a practice...

reemrambles.blogspot.com

" I believe that you were born during an eclipse and the stars named you moon, child...."
~Bret Dennen.

I'm sorry I have not been diligent with returning calls. I've been in a solitary state of mind lately. I thought I'd let you into my thoughts.....

I've been thinking about my decisions...my path...my commitments.

The achievements that I herald as the most valuable all have one thing in common:
I made a commitment to the journey long before I knew how it was going to end.

I wonder, if people made promises to their children long before they met them...would this world be different? Would they promise them a world free of war? Of violence? Of heartache? Would they resolve to keep such a sacred covenant?

I know that I am a long ways away from having my own children, but it's interesting to think about what I would promise them. Let this be a practice in self-realization.

I guess it would go something like this.....

Until we meet, I promise to uncover and absorb as much of this world's beauty as I can so that I'll never run out of stories to tell you. I already know that everything that I am is yours - and I already know that it may fall drastically short because I am flawed. Nonetheless, we'll bear with each other because that's love's luxury.

Until we meet, I will work relentlessly to make this world worthy of you. I will never judge you by the way you look because I know you will always be perfect in my eyes. I will never intentionally hurt or abandon you. I will always encourage you to express yourself and I will always treat your feelings with respect.

By the way, I'll always wonder where you actually came from before you and I were connected.


Think about how different this world would be if we made the same covenants to each other as we did to our children?

Just a scattered thought....

Redefining normalcy

I'm sitting at a Second Cup trying to be around people...trying to absorb my city....lost in thought.

The couple sitting next to me just left. They seemed like the type who didn't know how to communicate unless they're in the depths of a tense conversation.

She hates his dog.
He thinks she doesn't clean enough.
She says their apartment isn't big enough for her important stuff.
He resents her mother.

Now that they're gone, I must admit that the air is lighter.

Back to my thoughts.....

I think I'm entering a new phase of thought process. The voice inside me has morphed from wind whispers into a feeling in the pit of my stomach. I trust it more than anything in this world. I'm still learning to trust myself completely.

My nightmares have subsided. Feelings of paranoia and discombobulation linger in the first few moments after I reenter conscious realm. I have to purposefully push those feelings to the periphery of my day, of my life.

Normalcy, I don't really know what you are anymore. So I'll redefine you when I feel like it.

I've been having nightmares

If you asked me for truth
I would say

I would die so she could live.
How brave.
How noble.

But the truth is,
somewhere,
deep down inside,
I want to die first.

So I'll never have to bury the body
that houses
one of the most beautiful souls
I have ever felt.

I want to die so I'll never lose her.
How cowardly.
How selfish.
How cruel.

Truth is.

Big, Big world.

Being a little girl in a big big world has had more advantages than disadvantages, as far as I'm concerned.

I purchased a relatively cheap pair of earphones while I was at the Source (Circuit City) today. On Sale. They have the rubber-tipped earpieces that silence all other noise. I *just* slid them into my ears for the first time.

The little buds (which I realize may be too small for the average bear) caress the contours of my inner ear. No longer do I feel a constant stretching of my ears. Clenching my jaw does not cause them to fall out - because THEY FIT. The sound is pristine and yes, it feels like a vacuum has suctioned the rest of the world away. As I write this, all that is left is my music and I. Me and my music.

This reminds me of the first time I put on reading glasses and saw the distinct sharpening of the world around me.

They fit.

Face. The. Music.

She said she could speak to the dead.
I said to myself that I've heard crazier things.

"Your greatest fear is that no one will want you."

Yep.
There it is.
My greatest fear.

I feel lost

I talked to a friend tonight who, in a moment of complete honesty, said "I feel lost."

These words are not new to me....in fact, I utter them to myself more times in a month than I care to admit.

Said honestly, these words come from a place of vulnerability - a place where every ounce of strength you own is grossly overpowered by the gargantuan weight of surrender. Beckoning. Taunting. Encompassing.

I understand his space and I am grateful that he allowed me to sit in it with him - though only for an hour. I have no answers. Not for myself, let alone for anyone else.

I realized that I knew exactly what he needed because, somehow, I got exactly what I needed each time I broke down in the past few weeks (it's been a rough ride).

So, my final thoughts for tonight: I have spent countless hours for the past few weeks baring my heart and soul to people, who ensured that I was never alone. They could see how badly I needed comfort and offered hugs that lasted for eternities....they made me tea.....they studied nearby so I wouldn't feel alone.....and somehow, in their own unique way, they gave me exactly what I needed.....

I will never be able to repay this kindness.....

Thank you.

I feel (blissfully) lost.